Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
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Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
i smell a pulitzer
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER