Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
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[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.