The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
shit just got real
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns