i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
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why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you