Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
And then there were 4
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Okay me first
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.