Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
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subtitles are so good nowadays
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…