Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
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Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.