decorating my apartment
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Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Warm pools make me nervous.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary