Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
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My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son