I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”