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Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.