Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
kitchen magnet
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.