I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
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Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me