if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Favourite diary entry ever
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.