If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
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Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Oh the world we live in…
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.