[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Sign at work today
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.