Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
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My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.