*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
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they really do be looking like this
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
me and the Superbowl rn
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.