sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
You Might Also Like
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Shortcut
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next