I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
You Might Also Like
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Mission: Impossible
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Important
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made