I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
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Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Wikigenius
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party