How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
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*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Had an epiphany today.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.