Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
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“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.