*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
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I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad