I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
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*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Lmao
and now we wait
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.