Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
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[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.