NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
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Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
s
oc
i
a
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*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans