Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
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Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
when someone compliments me
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
prepare for carbonated trouble
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*