o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
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Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
*weighs self after shaving
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”