me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
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The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
oh you wanna fight?!
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Breaking news:
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos