yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
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“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
This why you should mind your business
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Goodnight 🐶
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song