People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
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Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Skills
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
We’ve all been there…
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”