does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
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A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade