I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
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*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
This headline is a thing of beauty
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.