One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
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I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
.. do you even science?
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Just me?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.