ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
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Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.