How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
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I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
did it work
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?