Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
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I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.