Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
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I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Meowchelangelo
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs