Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
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Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes