[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
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Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts