If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
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Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
BaD BoY!!
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I am crying
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good