Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.