to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
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car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
no refunds
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.