Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Hero horse inspires millions
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*