That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible