For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
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Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Don’t touch that.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone