*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
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Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this