[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
You Might Also Like
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
nobody’s gonna understand
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
#Caturday
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.