Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
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I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.